Why you should stop asking why

When we are upset at our partner, we tend to ask a bunch of “why” questions…

• Why do you have to ignore me?
• Why don’t you understand me?
• Why can’t you treat me like before?
• Why are you so selfish?

The problem is when we ask why, we automatically imply that our partner is wrong and that they are the cause of our unhappiness. More often than not, all they hear is that they are being blamed and they would in turn become defensive.

Next time when you’re upset, try asking questions that don’t start with a “why” like…

• What‘s on your mind right now?
• How do you think our relationship has changed recently?
• What part do we each play in this relationship dynamic?

Really, try it out!

You will probably notice that it’s much harder to come up with questions that don’t start with a why, but it’s worth it! By not asking why, it forces us to think and communicate in a less blaming way, which ultimately makes it easier for the conversation to open up.