How Did I Know He Was the One? A Different Perspective on Marriage and Commitment
I Don’t Believe There Is Only One Right Person
“How did you know he was the one?”
It’s a question I’ve been asked many times over the years. While I understand why people ask it, I’ve always found it difficult to answer because I’m not entirely sure I believe in the idea of “the one.”
The question suggests that there is only one person out there for each of us, and once we find them, everything will perfectly fall into place. Perhaps this is not the most romantic answer, but I believe there are likely many people in the world with whom we could potentially build meaningful, loving, and lasting relationships.
My husband is “the one” for me not because we were destined to be together, but because I chose to stop looking for a “better” option and he is the person I decided to commit the rest of my life to.
Feelings Don’t Tell the Whole Story
Perhaps one of the biggest myths about relationships is that we should always feel in love if we have found the right person. The reality is that all relationships go through ebbs and flows.
There are days when I feel very connected to my husband. I feel grateful, affectionate, and certain of our relationship. There are also days when I feel more distant, frustrated, or disconnected.
Over the years, I’ve learned not to use these feelings as the only evidence that he is or isn’t the right person for me. If I based my decision solely on how I felt in a particular moment, I would probably reach very different conclusions depending on the day.
Feelings are important and worth paying attention to, but I’ve learned not to automatically treat them as facts. They tell me something about my experience, but they don’t necessarily tell me the whole story about the relationship.
For me, knowing he was “the one” was never about feeling in love every moment of every day. It was about observing the relationship over time. It was about seeing his character, how we handled challenges together, and whether we could continue showing up for each other even during the times when the feelings weren’t as strong.
What if it Doesn’t Work Out?
You are right, it might not work out, and none of us can know for sure.
We can try to gather as much information as we can. We can try to think as much as we can. We can assess compatibility and ask for different opinions. But eventually, every important decision requires a leap of faith. Marriage is one of those decisions.
For me, saying yes was never a guarantee of a happily ever after. It was more of an expression of trust. I didn’t need all the answers before committing; I simply chose to commit without knowing all the answers.
If my relationship were to end one day, I don’t think I would look back and regret my decision of getting married. That’s because I believe I made the best decision I could with the information, experiences, and circumstances I had at the time. For me, it’s a worthwhile journey to be on regardless of the ending if I truly believed in it at one point.
Changes are Inevitable
Even if we have chosen the “right” person, no relationship is immune to hardship. I didn’t think marriage would magically protect us from conflict, disappointment, or change.
My focus isn’t so much on whether he’s “the one,” but more on what I would do if I ever noticed our dynamic changing. Rather than automatically assuming that love has disappeared or that I somehow chose the wrong person, I would want to take a step back and become curious about what is happening.
When did things start to shift? What patterns have emerged between us? What pressures are affecting us? How are we each responding to stress? What is happening outside of our relationship?
I want to get a broader perspective and gather the actual facts first. I want to understand how each of us is contributing to the dynamic and where there may be opportunities to respond differently.
That doesn’t guarantee that every problem can be fixed, but I also know that changes in a relationship are not always signs that something is wrong. Sometimes they are just invitations for us to pay closer attention, make adjustments, and continue growing together.
So How Did I Know He Was the One?
The truth is, I didn’t know with 100% certainty.
But I knew enough. I knew his character. I knew how we handled challenges together. I knew we could navigate hard things together without immediately giving up on the relationship. But I didn’t have a crystal ball.
I just knew I wanted to choose him because I trusted the relationship enough to commit to the journey.
And perhaps that’s what commitment has always been…not certainty about the future, but a willingness to move forward together despite not knowing what’s fully ahead.
Until next time,
Maybo
Maybo Lui, MS, RCC
Registered Clinical Counsellor
