Are You Following a Family Narrative by Default?

Family Expectations

I recently had the opportunity to join the Elevator Systems podcast to talk about family expectations through the lens of Bowen Family Systems Theory, my personal experience, and cultural context.

Having grown up in a Chinese immigrant family, I often reflect on how family roles and cultural expectations influence how people show up and relate to each other. In my elevator pitch of this topic, this is how I described family expectations:

“I think of family expectations as a narrative that gets passed down through generations. So most of us either automatically go along with it or push against it. But I think Bowen theory helps us slow down and decide if we’re doing something or not doing something because we actually want to or because we have to.”

In the episode, I shared a personal example that illustrates my own struggle with family expectations. When I was in my last year of university, I told my mom I wanted to pursue grad school and become a psychologist. This was 16 years ago. Mental health support just wasn’t widely accepted or understood in Chinese culture at the time. My mom felt that people would never admit they have mental health issues, so why would they go see a psychologist? She didn’t see it as a viable career path and was strongly against it.

Instead of pursuing what I truly wanted, I decided to keep the peace and did what was expected of me. I found a stable job at a large global corporation and worked there for 10 years. Even though things were calm, I always felt like there was something missing. It took me years before I finally had the courage to listen to my inner voice and start making a career pivot (I became a counsellor in the end).

Being okay with being different

There were many moments in my career transition journey where I found myself worrying about my mom worrying about me. I worried that my family would never take me or my career seriously. I worried they would never be proud of me.

The biggest challenge when I think about family expectations is being able to tolerate the discomfort of thinking differently from your family and actually being okay with it. Knowing that your parents might feel disappointed or worried about you… can you sit with that discomfort? Not trying to convince them, not trying to please them, not getting upset about their reactions but simply being okay with being different. That takes a lot of courage and inner work and for me, it’s always a working progress. In Bowen theory terms, that’s the work of differentiation.

Zooming out

Family expectations are not simply something we either follow or resist. Family expectations don’t come out of nowhere. The reason your parents really want you to go to university might be because they never had the chance, and it limited their opportunities. Or maybe you’re expected to take care of your elderly parents because that was what your grandparents expected of your parents.

There is a multigenerational transmission process where these narratives, expectations, and unspoken rules get passed down to us often automatically. When we begin to zoom out, what patterns do we start to see in the family? Can we thoughtfully decide what still works for us and what doesn’t? What do we want to carry forward, and what do we want to leave behind?

Watch the full podcast episode here: