Seven Lessons I’ve Learned After 18 Years of Being in a Long-Term Relationship
My anniversary with my husband is coming up, and I really want to take the time to reflect on this 18-year journey. Like every couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. But if I were to describe our relationship, I would say it feels like a slow-burning candle: steady, warm, and somehow still exciting when we see each other at the end of the day.
Looking back on our relationship, through many trials and errors, I’m sharing seven key lessons that have helped us stay connected and continue growing together over the years.
1. Give Each Other Space to Be Yourselves
My husband has a lot of hobbies. And I mean…a lot. They change often too, from dancing, collecting figurines, tennis, 3D printing, sim racing, to probably something new next year.
Does it take up space at home? Sure.
Does he sometimes get a little too invested? Yup.
Does it frustrate me at times? Of course.
But these are also the very things that make him feel alive and fulfilled. Just because I’m his partner, I don’t believe I get to take that joy away from him.
I might not fully understand all of his interests, but I fully support him in investing time and energy into things outside of our relationship. And if something he wants to do affects me, our relationship, or our family, then we talk about it. What matters is that we don’t shut down the conversation before it even starts.
Likewise, he gives me the same space to explore my personal goals and supports me in doing things that make me feel most like…me. When I decided to make a career shift to become a counsellor years ago, it was him who unconditionally supported me, even knowing it might create some uncertainty and financial instability for our future. And I will always appreciate him for that.
2. Shift the Focus to Yourself
I used to feel disappointed when he wasn’t proactive about planning vacations for us. I’d think, Why can’t you take the lead? Do you not care? Am I not important to you?
It becomes so automatic for me to create stories in my own head: If you aren’t doing XYZ, then that must mean ABC.
Over the years, I’ve learned to stop focusing on what he does or doesn’t do. Instead of asking, “Why can’t you…?” and trying to change him, I started shifting the focus back to myself:
- What is actually important to me?
- What am I really trying to achieve here?
- How do I want to show up as a partner, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do?
Going back to the trip example…from the day I met my husband, he has always been a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of person. In fact, this was what initially attracted me to him. Expecting him to suddenly become a Type A planner? That’s simply not who he is. Even if he tries, his level of proactiveness will never match mine.
When I realized that my real goal was to make meaningful memories together and that I actually enjoy planning trips, it no longer bothered me to take the lead in something that’s important to me. We still have great vacations, and it takes the pressure off him to be someone he’s not.
This doesn’t mean I never express my needs. It just means I’m not treating him as my only solution to my frustrations. I still let him know that it makes me feel special when he plans something for us, but it’s no longer an expectation wrapped in disappointment or nagging.
The funny thing? When I genuinely stop trying to change him, he surprises me sometimes. I know it sounds ironic, but I believe this ties back to my first point: when we give each other space to be ourselves, we actually become more open to changes.
3. Always Treat Each Other With Respect
This might sound obvious, but it’s very easy for any couple to slip into patterns like blame, criticism, or even contempt especially during stressful times. I’ve seen many loving couples in my office inadvertently hurt each other in these moments. And no matter how long my husband and I have been together, we still have to remind ourselves not to treat each other in ways that we will regret later.
Being rude, dismissive, or sarcastic never creates more connection in a long-term relationship. Kindness still matters. Tone still matters. And respect always matters.
Of course, disagreements are unavoidable. When conflict comes up, the first thing I try to do now is to check in with myself: Am I calm enough to have this conversation? There have been many times when I typed out a long text filled with frustration, blame, and criticism, and then paused to ask myself that very question: Am I calm enough to have this conversation?
If the answer is no, I put my phone down and come back to it later. Every single time, the tone of my message changes drastically once I’ve calmed down. Approaching conflict with a clearer mind helps me communicate more effectively about how I actually think and feel.
4. Ask Yourself: “What’s the Urgency Here?”
This question has helped me many times over the years.
Whenever I’m frustrated, whether it’s about the garbage, a messy home, or a plan that didn’t work out, I pause and ask myself, “What’s the urgency here?”
- Does it really matter if the dishes aren’t washed immediately?
- Do we really need to get everything done tonight?
- It’s disappointing that we can’t make it to the movies this weekend, but can’t we just go next weekend?
Sometimes, our sense of urgency doesn’t match reality. Yes, if the trash hasn’t been taken out for weeks, that’s a real problem. But often, the things we get upset about aren’t actually urgent. Pausing to evaluate the situation helps me separate real problems from minor frustrations.
This urgency question often helps me calm down. I can then choose to let it go and simply enjoy each other’s presence instead. When we zoom in on a single moment, it can feel like the biggest problem ever. But when we step back, the urgency often disappears and we realize that most things can wait.
5. Be Silly
We have nicknames, inside jokes, and weird phrases that only the two of us understand. Honestly, we probably need a dictionary! These little sayings make our relationship feel uniquely ours and give us something to laugh about especially when times are challenging.
It doesn’t have to be words. It could be a little funny dance, a silly facial expression, or any small gesture that makes each other smile. There are already enough serious responsibilities in adult life so adding a little humor to our relationship can often bring some joy to the everyday routine.
6. Stay Curious
Remember the early days of your relationship, when you could talk endlessly with your partner because you were so interested in everything about them? You wanted to know what they thought, what they dreamed about, what they liked. Do you still do that? Are you still curious about this person you interact with every single day?
After almost two decades together, it’s easy to feel like I already know everything about my husband. But the truth is, we all continue to grow and change. Our dreams, stresses, beliefs, and perspectives are always evolving.
Do you still ask meaningful questions that keep you genuinely connected? Not just practical ones like, “What do we need from the supermarket?”, but the questions you used to ask when first getting to know each other.
Curiosity keeps a long-term relationship alive. As the saying goes, curiosity and judgment cannot coexist. When we stop being curious about our partner, we begin to make assumptions and form judgments about them instead. Staying curious allows us to keep learning about each other, growing together, and deepening our connection.
7. Do the Cheesy Things
Do the dates.
Do the anniversary dinners.
Do the flowers (or whatever your version of “flowers” is).
Some people say these things are unnecessary, and yes, they might not be “essentials.” But why should we only do what’s necessary in a relationship? Why do we often put effort into bringing joy to our kids or pets, but not go the extra mile for our own relationship?
I see these things as the cherry on top. They are not essentials, but they give us the sparkles and the warm and fuzzy feeling. They don’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, it’s the thoughtfulness that makes each other feel special and appreciated.
So that’s my relationship journey so far.
18 years ago, I got attracted to a cute-looking boy who showed up in class. 18 years later, I’m still attracted to that very same man I am now doing life with. Thank you for being silly with me through all the different seasons of our lives.
For those of you who have read this far, are you in a long-term relationship? What habits, rituals, or mindset shifts have helped you stay connected and grow together over time? I’d love to hear your experiences and learn from your story!
Thanks for reading!
Until next time,
Maybo
*This content is intended for general educational purposes and reflects my personal reflections. It is not a substitute for counselling or any form of professional support. Client confidentiality is always protected.
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