I Feel Disconnected From My Partner, What Should I Do?

First Of All — Feeling Disconnected Is Natural

We all like the warm and fuzzy moments and being perfectly in sync with our partner. The reality is we are also humans. Work stress, family responsibilities, health issues, and tiredness can all shrink our emotional bandwidth. Disconnection doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship. All couples go through these ebbs and flows of closeness and distance – it is part of a natural rhythm. Sometimes, real life gets in the way, and that’s okay. What’s more important is understanding the difference between natural disconnection and being stuck in a prolonged state of distance and not knowing how to come back from it.

Start With Curiosity, Not Conclusions

If the feeling of disconnection has been lingering or happening more often, take a moment to slow down and observe. Instead of jumping to blame or panic, put your researcher hat on and get curious.

Ask yourself:

• When did I start noticing the disconnection?
• What was going on in our lives at the time?
• What do I usually do when I feel disconnected — do I withdraw, complain, or try to “fix” it?
• How does my partner respond to my reaction — do they get defensive, pull away, or try to change?
• When do I feel more connected to my partner? What was different about those times?

Gathering facts about your relationship patterns like a researcher can help you understand what’s really happening — without instantly spiraling into doubts and blame.

Open Up A Conversation

If this is something that’s been weighing on you, gently bring it up to your partner in a calm and thoughtful manner. Going into this conversation with the right mindset is very important. Are you actually curious about your partner’s perspective, or are you just hoping that they’ll hear yours? Know that connection starts with curiosity.

Compare the two statements below:

“If you’d just play fewer video games and spend more time with me like you used to, then I wouldn’t feel this way.”

“Lately I’ve been feeling a bit distant from you, and it has been on my mind for a while. I just wanted to share that with you and see if you’ve been feeling the same.”

The first one shuts down the conversation; the second one invites connection. This isn’t a conversation for pointing fingers, changing your partner, or trying to find an immediate solution. The focus should be on creating a space where you can both explore what’s going on.

Treat It As An Experiment

When relationship patterns become fixed, couples fall into predictable behaviors and reactions. This might look like:

As soon as he goes on his phone and doesn’t talk to her, she gets upset and says he doesn’t care. He immediately gets irritated and walks away.

Sometimes, we just need to shake things up a little bit. Pretend you are playing some fun movie role and try showing up in a different way. For example:

• Instead of criticizing, try expressing what you’re feeling in a softer way.
• If you usually withdraw, try reaching out in a small way — like initiating a walk or a simple question.
• If your partner tends to shut down, experiment with giving them more space and focusing on doing a hobby that you enjoy instead.

The good thing about being in a stuck pattern is that things are predictable, so you can easily know what not to say or do if you want to change things up. Treat it as an experiment — you have no obligation to stick with it if you don’t want to. The point is to be open enough to try. When there is more flexibility, things become looser, and we might start to see things we weren’t able to see before.

What do you notice when you start to show up differently? Maybe your partner responds in a new way too. Or maybe they don’t. That’s okay. The experiment isn’t for them — it’s for yourself. Instead of allowing things to go on autopilot, you start to take control of the relationship dynamics again.

If you continue to feel like you’re going in circles, a few sessions of couples counselling may help you gain new perspective and break new ground. If you’d like to explore that, feel free to get in touch.

Remember, connection begins with curiosity. What’s the one thing you might try differently this week — not to change your partner, but to shift the pattern you’re both caught in?

Thanks for reading!
Maybo