What is your relationship dance? (Part 2: The chase)

Previously, we delved into a common dance observed in couples: The Circular Pattern of Conflict and Distance.

One particular manifestation of this circular dance is what I called “The Chase”, in which there continues to be a pattern of conflict and distance in the relationship, but with one partner assuming the role of the pursuer while the other adopts the role of the distancer.

According to Bowen theory, humans have two basic needs: autonomy and connection. In the dynamics of The Chase, there is often an imbalance between these two needs.

The Pursuers: They are more at ease when they feel connected to their partner. They enjoy “talking things out” and prefer to resolve issues promptly. When their partner distances, they become more stressed and tend to intensify their efforts to reconnect.

The Distancers: They feel more comfortable when they have their own personal space and can freely be themselves. They generally do not like conflicts and would try to avoid them as much as possible. When their partner pursues them, their stress increases and would feel more inclined to disconnect.

During stressful times, these tendencies become more apparent, with the pursuer constantly pushing for greater closeness and the distancer seeking more personal space. As you can imagine, this would only heighten each other’s stress and perpetuate a cycle where the pursuer’s pursuit triggers the distancer’s withdrawal, and vice versa. As a result, this becomes a never-ending chase between the couples.  

Let’s take a step back and observe your own relationship. Do you notice a chase going on between you and your partner? When do you tend to pursue or withdraw more?

If this relationship dance doesn’t quite apply to you, stay tuned for our next one. What do you think will be the next common relationship dance?

Thanks for reading!
Maybo